


and if you must die, remember your life

by haecates



Category: Batman (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: M/M, also this is the first time i write dick grayson so he might be a little ooc i'm so sorry?, and i kind of ignored robin war ooops, this is set after red hood/arsenal 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 22:08:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5432543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haecates/pseuds/haecates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Duella Dent is a mistake. Roy warned him when he first accepted her into the team, but he didn’t listen to Roy– he almost never did. It is Gotham, it’s the way the city makes him feel. Like he needs to change, like he needs to help change it. It is Batman. Just being close to where he met him, to where he lost him.</p><p>The city is dark and bloody and so is Duella’s mind. They find it way too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and if you must die, remember your life

**Author's Note:**

> I blame Keegan for giving me the idea for this.
> 
> Also, I recommend you listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2fCcggNkTs

“What is a mistake?” Roy asks once, he and Jason are in bed, it is the time that that happens and Jason is already filling himself up with regret. Thinking about all the ways he can– he will fuck it up. That it’s Roy, the person who is not only the the closest thing to a friend he has, but who also had been Dick’s first. He closes his eyes and thinks about all the times Bruce looked at him and he knew that behind the cowl, behind his darkness and how he tried to keep it all inside, he wished he was Dick.

“This is–” He tries not to look at him, but Roy touches his chin and makes him look up. And then he smiles– that motherfucker. That’s just how he is: all smiles and touches and jokes even though he’s had it worse than Jason, even though he should be the one sulking. Jason wants to punch him and kiss him at the same time, but Roy kisses him first, bites his lower lip and whispers “And how can it be a mistake?”

……………

Duella Dent is a mistake. Roy warned him when he first accepted her into the team, but he didn’t listen to Roy– he almost never did. It is Gotham, it’s the way the city makes him feel. Like he needs to change, like he needs to help change it. It is Batman. Just being close to where he met him, to where he lost him.

The city is dark and bloody and so is Duella’s mind. They find it way too late.

“I'm bored” Dent says, but her tone isn't bored at all. She plays with her knife. Stabs, stabs, stabs on a pillow until it is nothing but feather. Until she makes a mess. Roy looks at Jason, but he won't move. Roy told him earlier he has no idea what Jason sees in her, but he hates it. He hates every minute she's with them.

 _She’ll never replace Kory_ , he said earlier, through gritted teeth. He and Jason were all alone (a miracle) and Jason felt his heart getting cold. He then looked at Duella– Joker’s daughter, as she calls herself, and thought about how many times people wanted to give up on him. How many times they thought he was the unfixable one. _I’m not trying to._

It happens really fast– she makes a mess out of feathers and Roy jumps at her. He is mad, so mad he doesn't even look at Jason. It's only him and the clown and the knife in her hand, his hands on her neck before he can even think about it. He pushes her against the wall and the way her body slams against the concrete makes her laugh. 

She laughs and laughs and laughs and Roy knocks her against it once more. _Stop it, you fuck._ She laughs again, cries from laughter when Jason pushes Roy off of her, looks at him as she wipes away her tears “You don't have the guts, Lil’ Arrow.”

Jason hugs him, pushes his hands back and he knows he can't fight against him– he can't move at all from the way second boy wonder holds him, even though he really tries. “Cut it out, Arsenal” Jason growls and that’s is it. He slowly lets go of him and the clown is back to her mess, throwing the feathers all around. Roy looks back at Jason– his eyes are so fucking blue he almost forgets, but her laugh is still in the background. Like a song he hates to hear. “Either she leaves or I do, Jaybird, I mean it.”

Being without Roy is nothing new. He’s lived without him before– of course, he had Talia and earlier Bruce, but for a short period before that, he was truly alone, and he survived. Now he was bigger, tougher– he didn’t need to be completely alone, he could always show up at the Teen Titan’s tower, throw a bag on the floor and see if Tim would dare tell him to go away.

He could easily be without Roy–

The problem was that he wasn’t so sure that’s what he wanted.

……………

He kind of expects Roy to leave, prepares himself to say goodbye or to not say a thing. He’s pretty sure Harper would leave just like he would– silently. But days go by and he’s still there, lingering on his bed and kissing on his neck, on his chest, sucking him off until his mouth is so red that Jason can’t take it.

“You two look real cute, does daddy know about your affair?” The clown sits on their bed, her hands are on Roy’s legs and Jason can’t move. He feels his throat sore from how much he is holding himself. He blinks and thinks of ten different ways he could take her down, not tell her to leave, but make her leave.

Make her leave in a way she can’t tell a single soul who they are.

“I have no father” He says, simply, and strokes on Roy’s hair slowly. He doesn’t look down, can’t bear to see the look on his face.

 _Either she leaves or I do, Jaybird, I mean it._ His brain hurts.

“I mean the Bat” Duella smiles– and he hates it. Hates it because that’s not her smile, maybe it is, underneath that mask, but the face he sees now, the way she talks about Bruce, he doesn’t hear it like it’s her. He hears ot like it’s the clown who beat him to death when he was only a child.

“The Bat is also dead, haven’t you heard?” He moves slowly, Dick would be proud of how patient he is. Almost as good as young Timmy. He puts on his underwear and looks down at her, Roy follows him.

She smiles again, gets up from the bed and looks at him. She’s not as tall as he is, but she tries. “Jason Todd, you were supposed to be _dead_ too.”

When Jason grabs her by the throat, she doesn’t laugh. Her eyes widen as if she’s scared– maybe everyone is a little sorry for  
her, maybe all of those who fought her held back a little. Maybe he is the first one to hold her neck in his hands knowing he only needs a good twist to break it. She moves her mouth, as if trying to speak and he can’t see a thing, his mind is a blur.

……………

It’s him on a rooftop, Batman looking down at him and he is screaming “Come on, Bruce, you’re better than that!”

Batman looks at him– no Bruce under the cowl, as lets him go. “So are _you_ , Red Hood.”

……………

He lets her go, his mind dizzy, and takes a step back. “You say a word about me and you’re done, Duella” and then turns his back to her, walks out of the room without thinking too hard. Goes down the stairs, opens up the cabinet where Roy hides his secret stash of drinks and pour himself a glass.

He drinks it all and then he hears a crash–

_Fucking Harper._

He runs back to the room, thinking of all the ways he could get to his guns before she does. All the ways he could take her down. Fucking clown. He always fucking hates them, what has got into him? He is on the last step when he hears her voice “Slowly, _Jaybird_.”

It is something close to praying, what he does, but it’s not to God. It’s to Bruce. It’s to Dick. _Make them proud, Jason, be patient_. And his hands are up, he takes a few more steps to the room and she is there, smiling against Roy’s neck as she holds a knife to his throat. “Don’t you dare move, or I’ll hit you with a crowbar” she laughs. His laugh.

He swallows dry trying to not be there again– to not remember how he died.

“Let him go.”

She walks back, dragging him so easy it’s almost like– No. “I won’t go after you” it’s not even himself saying. It’s his voice, but Dick’s words. He kind of wants to punch himself in the face.

She is by the window, her knife cuts a little on Roy’s neck and Jason swallows again. “If there’s a thing I’ve learnt on our joyride, Red Hood, is that you’re not to be trusted” and then she is out, Roy falls easy on the ground and he knows. He knows before he runs to him, before kneeling beside him and calling his name. He knows because he was dead once.

And death has this very particular smell.

……………

He calls Kori first. It’s the first number he can find on his phone– from the long messages he sends her on the weekends. But she won’t pick up. He tries and tries and tries again. And then he goes to the second number, looks at the name on the screen and feels his chest getting smaller. Bruce Wayne can’t pick up the phone, because Bruce doesn’t exist anymore.

He thinks about Dick, even about Barbara, but it feels weird, as if it’s too personal.

Too personal to tell them that Arsenal is dead and he is, now, sitting on a pool of his blood.

“Jason?” Tim says, as if he is not expecting– hell, the kid has no reason to expect a call from Red Hood in the middle of the night. “Jason, is that you?” He sounds so methodic, almost like Bruce. The only way Tim could be more like Bruce would be if Dick Grayson didn’t exist.

“Can you track the call?” Jason is almost calm, almost. He is not thinking straight– he never is. When Drake’s answer is positive, he keeps on talking. “I need you to come to this address… There’s a body. You might want to call Green Arrow.”

……………

He hates everything about Gotham. As he walks through the streets, all he sees, all he hears is misery. As loud as his own, as loud as the beat of his own heart. He is almost on Crime Alley when Grayson holds his arm, which was not his brightest idea. They fight and both of them are fast, Dick can predict almost all of Jason’s moves, but Jason is full of rage. That has always been the line that separated both of them– both as Robins or as brothers.

“How did you find me?” Jason asks when Dick holds him down, throwing his gun away.

“Followed the trail of bodies.”

“I didn’t kill Roy” he says and his voice is so quiet he doubts himself. _Either she leaves or I will, Jaybird, I mean it._ “I didn’t… It wasn’t me” He feels the tears streaming down his face as Dick lets him go, stands up and walks to the gun. Jason looks at him, but doesn’t move. Roy Harper is dead.

Grayson gives him the gun, he looks at him like they’re family, and Jason believes it for the first time in a long time. “You’re not killing her and you’re not doing this alone.”

“Dick–” he begins, but the first boy wonder cuts him off.

“He was my friend too, Jason.”

……………

The sun shows up on the horizon when he and Dick give up. Both are tired and there’s nothing to find in daylight. If it was happening on any other occasion, it would have been a bonding moment for them. For a second there, while they were in the sewers and Dick tried to get some information out of Killer Croc, Jason thought he saw him losing it, going almost too hard. He thought he finally saw the similarity between them, and then the moment was gone.

The sun washed it all away.

The fucking clown probably wasn’t even in Gotham anymore. She knew what she had done, because she, unlike Dick or Tim or anyone, knew Roy wasn’t only Jason’s friend. She knew because the exact moment she was kicked off the team wasn’t when she found their identities, it was when her hand was on Roy’s leg and she was on their bed and Jason knew she understood what he meant to him.

Tim won’t let him go back to that safehouse, makes him go to one of his. He never thought Red Robin would be bossy, but then again, he couldn’t ever be when almost all the time they spent together was fighting. He takes a shower, rejects food and walks around in the room. Tim watches.

They don’t talk most of the time, Drake is on the corner, observating. Sometimes Jason sees him on the phone– probably with the Titans, but even at those times, he feels his eyes on his back. Maybe that’s how Batman felt when young Tim Drake tried to figure him out. Jason thought later, _he succeeded_.

The sun is almost setting when Jason looks at him “I’m not going to fucking break anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Tim smiles “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“Won’t fucking cry either.”

“That would be really awkward” Tim moves on his chair, puts the phone on his desk and looks at him like a challenge.

“So what the fuc–” Tim cuts him with his sight only. The fucker really is a tiny version of Bruce, way tinier, but still.

“Look, Jason, when Conner died…”

“Don’t you fucking dare talk to me about death, Drake, you have no fucking idea how it’s like. I do! I was dead once, I fucking know how it is!”

They hold their gaze for what it feels like forever and then Tim turns his back at him and leaves the room.

……………

He thinks about not going to the funeral, but he goes. Watches it from afar, how Oliver talks about Roy. How all of those assholes talk about him. Like they knew him, like they hadn’t abandoned him. He really wants to break something.

For the first time in months, he is glad Bruce lost his memory; that way, no one even tries to hold him back when he goes up to Oliver, punches him in the face and leaves.

……………

_He can’t find the fucking clown._ Tim leaves within two weeks, but still calls or texts him almost every night. They don’t have much to talk about, not since Jason blew up on him, but he still tries. He is not sure if he is glad or pissed.

Barbara shows up once, they watch a movie and he falls asleep on her shoulder. He has always been half in love with her, but at that moment, he doesn’t feel like she's another person in his life that would rather have Dick, the way she moves her hands on his hair, it’s like she understands. It’s like she felt the same when Grayson died and he feels, he would never said that, but it’s almost like the hole on his chest doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Almost.

……………

He has always had nightmares about laughs and clowns and his mom. But now it’s different. Now he is the one tied up watching him die. Again and again and again, Joker’s Daughter beats Roy up with a crowbar. She laughs and laughs and laughs and Jason just wants to not be tied.

He wants to move.

After Roy dies, she is gone, and he can finally move. He walks up to him and dead-Roy looks at him, his soulless eyes stare deep into him and they are the same. “Why didn’t you save me?”

“I was tied… I couldn’t…” He babbles and the dead boy laughs again. It’s Duella’s laugh. “You were trained by the league of assassins and you can’t untie yourself, Jaybird? You left me to die!”

And then he wakes up. He always wakes up and checks if Roy’s there–

_He never is._

……………

After two months he goes to the Manor, stands in front of the door for what it feels like forever. Breathing in and out. He broke into this house more than once trying to get Bruce’s attention, he could easily just break in before, but now he can’t even knock at the door.

“Master Jason,” the british voice welcomes him, opening the door before he gathers the courage to knock. He looks at the skinny old man and tries to say something, but Alfred opens up the door a little more “Come in, I made pancakes.”

Alfred makes the worst pancakes in the world, but that’s all he needs right now. Something that tastes like home, something that tastes as if his life is right. As if he isn’t falling apart.

They don’t get to the kitchen before Jason breaks down crying. He holds Alfred like he has never hugged anyone and cries on his shoulder until he feels like he cried all his tears. Until his head hurts from it and from the lack of sleep. He lets him go and walks to the kitchen. They don’t really talk and the pancakes taste like shit.

……………

He finally leaves Gotham after five months. He almost gets the clown once, near L.A., but she got quicker as the time passed and he stops thinking when she is around– he pictured that way too many times. Breaking her neck and dumping her in the middle of the road, nothing that could trace back to him. He promised he wouldn’t kill and he is trying to keep his promise– not to her, but to Roy.

He only needs to break it this one time.

Roy would understand.

Tim still calls him almost every night. He almost gets used to the silence on the other side of the phone. They never have much to say and it gets harder to hate on Tim as the days go by. That’s the reason why, when Tim calls him on a thursday afternoon, he picks it up without even questioning why. “Red Robin?”

“How far are you from Gotham?” Tim asks, as if he is holding himself back. Jason thinks about the clown and almost smiles.

“I can be there in an hour”

“I’ll text you the address” He says and hangs up. Jason goes back to Gotham without questioning.

……………

They’re in a different house from the last time. All lights are on, but Jason still checks up on the roof before knocking on the door. Nothing seems unusual– no laugh, no riddle, no speech about morality. Tim opens the door on the first knock, pushes him inside and locks it up again.

“You're acting really fucking weird and that's big coming from me” he says, looking around. Still trying to find something unusual other than Drake.

“Damian is here,” Tim says, his voice weirdly deep.

“Please, tell me you didn’t make me cross the country because you can’t deal with Robin.”

Tim is really fucking intense and as much as Jason is trying to light up the mood, he is getting worried. “You’re not getting it, Jason.”

“Then fucking enlighten me, Little bird.”

“Damian was looking for something… I didn’t even ask what it was, but it had something to do with his grandfather and he found–”

“What?” His voice comes out a little anxious.

Steps come from his right and he takes a deep breath before looking. He thought about going to Ra’s more than once– he knew that was not how it worked, but he thought about begging. He just didn’t go all the way. Damian comes out of the shadows first, he looks at Jason for a few seconds before he takes a step to the side. “I thought this might interest you, Todd.”

Then, out of the shadows, Roy comes out. He is exactly the same, except for a white streak on his hair. It looks ridiculous. It looks perfect. He looks a little lost– as if he can’t understand exactly what is happening and Jason knows the feeling a little too well. He looks at him and he won’t move towards him. His heart is racing and that’s all he can listen to. To the drumming in his ears.

And then it all stops, Roy smiles– that motherfucker. “Hi, Jaybird.”


End file.
